The space between is a funny thing. By definition, it is a barrier between, the gap that divides. Distance is often demonized, the ultimate separatist; distance is at it's best when we are furthest away. But distance can also be a gift. Perspective, patience, growth and even joy can be found at the boundaries of distance. For 3 years my wife and I tolerated this unwelcome guest into our lives. 3,000 miles mocked our marriage for all but 5 weekends a year, each phone call and text a totem to the disproportionate excess of distance and the elusive, almost endangered time we had. But a challenge is not intended to wear you down, it is designed to build you up. As fish live healthiest against the current so we found our rhythm pushing against the distance to find ourselves and each other. Despite the heartache, judgments from friends, and frustration hosting such a consuming, obtrusive, disrespectful and inconsiderate guest created; I must admit that distance has taught me a lot.
Distance School of Life Lessons: How to Fight
Being apart is bad, and missing a part is bad, but being set apart is good, Being away is bad, but finding a way is good. One may need more space, but never more distance. Time and space are related to relativity, but relating in reality requires more time and less space, relatively speaking. Distance is a wellspring of space and a vacuum of time.
Fights can be thought of in several ways: Fights are like the windmill at a mini-golf course in that they stand in the way. A fight is a middle space, a parenthetical war field where each person brings their armory in an effort to take by force or subversion what they want. The fights my wife and I get into, we are usually fighting for respect, to be right, and to be loved. You could liken it to a boxing ring that two people enter and only one can win. This ideology is an important thing to consider. Fights are often believed to be in a paradigm where two people want something that only one person can have. If there is a fight, there must be a winner. This competitive, aggressor and defender dynamic puts us in a role, and we play out a script we are all familiar with. So why can't we share, or just agree to disagree? What if we take away the fight and take away the winner? We all want to be winners, and according to the script we all believe, we must fight to win. But this gets confusing. We both want something that only one person can have, to be right and respected. So we have to fight to see who gets it. Even if I don't want to fight, I want to be a winner who gets the grand prize. In a fight, what I want is on the other side of the argument and I'm sure only one of us can have it. I want it, so I fight. Imagine if you will that two people are standing on opposite sides of a boxing ring, and the fight is a literal wall between them. Fights are between people, and the only way to get respect, love, and to be right is a fight. The only way through a fight is to push the other person out, win the fight, and bring them to your side of the ring. The alternative is to give up the fight, take the loss as the cost of the relationship, and concede to be on their side as the looser. But distance teaches us a new paradigm of fights: how to fight on the same side.
Traditionally, an argument or disagreement lays between two people. It acts like a wall, making communication difficult and the trust/honesty dynamic even more challenging then whatever relationship structure existed, to begin with. Trying to solve a problem with someone on the other side of a wall is very difficult, even under the best of circumstances. What if we changed our approach. What if the problem wasn't a wall between people but instead a puzzle in front of them? Imagine instead that both people sat shoulder to shoulder, and dealt with the problem in front of both of them. When a fight is between two people, the push/pull, offense/defense dynamic is inherently hostile and often results in a winner/loser outcome. The two people are literally on opposite sides. But, if the argument is in front of both people as they sit beside each other; now there is nothing between them. The argument is where it belongs, out in front where it can be equally discussed and shared by both people. Approaching a fight from this perspective actively affirms unity while maintaining open and accurate communication. Now, a fight brings people together as they solve problems together.
It may be a simple shift, but for my wife and I, it was a transformative evolution in how we approach and manage problems. When I don't want kids and she does, we know that the resolution to that disagreement will come, and it will not come between us. When I want to spend $4,000 on camera equipment and she thinks we should pay back our debts, we can decide together what is best. Being equals is not about being the same person or having the same opinions. Being equal partners is about allowing both people to have equal representation and stake in the process and outcome of group decisions. Fundamentally, if you put a fight between you and your partner, then you have already isolated yourself. Now you are going to have to win the fight and drag them to your side, or you have to take the fall and be drug over to their side. Imagine how different it would be if you were always on the same side, and the fight was on the other side. No fight should come between you and your partner unless you want a reason to split up. If you want to stay together, then don't start out an argument on opposite sides. Different opinions are not in opposition to each other if the holders of those opinions are united. No more could the bark of a tree rebel against its leaves. They are of the same tree and can find harmony no matter how different they are.
Because of our distance, we had precious little time together and an enormous gap to fill. If we have 30 hours together and spend the first 6 arguing over our differences, we have lost 1/5th of our time together for the next 4 months. We were forced to learn how to fight and not allow our differences to come between us. Our commitment is stronger than our differences, so when we don't agree we see an opportunity to grow as individuals and as a couple. Our fights literally bring us together the way accomplishing an obstacle course brings the navy seals together. We learn to be vulnerable, honest, participatory and committed. Now, I can't wait for our next fight. It's so amazing to learn how much more I can trust and love this amazing woman.