Whoever you are now, it is impacted by what you have done and what has happened to you. We are all the culmination of our experiences, but we also have the ability to change the impact of those experiences. Life does not seem to offer much sympathy to those of us who have come face to face with the heart ache and life shattering experience of loss. But we can do something with those experiences. It was 20 years ago this September that I lost my mom to injuries after a horse ridding accident. After 10 years of battling breast cancer she was ready to be counted as a cancer surviver. The treatment and therapy left its wounds deep, and her frailty was pushed to the limit as her body tried to recover from the trauma of falling off her horse. It was like making it to the top of everest, and then never making it down. Cancer she could beat, but nothing more.
How can it be right that after a decade of struggle with cancer that she would die anyway? What could possibly be the reason God would put her through all that hurt and pain and fear, then give her hope of being cured, just to take her anyway? The truth is that these questions have nothing to do with wanting to understand. These questions are my grief wanting to know who to blame. Is god cruel? Should I have been a better son? Why did I fight with her so much? Now that I can barely remember the sound of her voice, it seems my biggest grief is not that she was taken; but that I am ashamed of how I treated her. What I lost was my chance to apologize, to repent of my misbehavior and restore honor to myself and my family. There is a debt of grace my mother gave me that I can never repay, a reconciliation that will not be possible. This is the hole that destroyed my life and burned my soul. The knowledge that I will not get the chance to say i'm sorry.
This event became the turning point in my life. It is because of this that I am the good of who I am. Tragedy is transformative, we choose what path to take. Tragedy is like a rocket ship where the ride will happen weather we like it or not, but with a little support and even some hope it will become a journey instead of an ending. This documentary is the best explanation of who I have become because of my mother's passing. May it be an encouragement that when you are in tragedy it is horrible, and then it gets better.